Growing up I never knew what being a Christian really was.

My family and I immigrated from Mongolia when I was 5 and the only thing Christ I knew was Christmas. It was really hard for us, not knowing the language and not really knowing what to do. In hopes of finding a job and getting connected with a Mongolian community, my family got connected into the local Mongolian Church, Washington Mongolian Church. We started going every sunday and as a kid we did all the normal church things, reading the bible, praying, and eating. 

This went on for the next 15 years, a continual cycle of going to church either for the interesting stories, good food, or the sense of community. During this time as well my parents stopped going to church. Not only did they stop going to church, they renounced whatever faith they had in Christ. It was hard, it was only me and my sister. My sister gave her college years for Christ, as for me I was free in the world. Doing whatever I wanted. The worst part about this was that I thought I was a good christian. If I just went to church and prayed then I’m good.

I would worship God with my mouth but my heart was far from Him.

I was so hardened that my junior Year I left God all together. After years of trying to be a “good christian” with my works I finally gave up. I went from being a lukewarm chrisitan Whom God despises to totally ice cold. 

After hitting an all time low, I desperately cried out to God to help me, to fix me. I don't remember what verse I read but that verse breathed life into my bones. It gave sight to my hollow eyes. After months of full blown rejecting God I repented for all the sins leading up to that moment. This God who was so merciful to me, who let me live despite all my sins, not only forgave me but sent his Son to die for me. The Gospel hit me even deeper.

James 4:9

“Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom”

The Gospel of God’s righteousness. His hatred for sin and towards sinners. His love for His glory. I had tried to rob his glory all my life. I remember reciting James 4:9 in my head one night. “Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom” This was about repentance. The deep grieving in my heart towards my sins because I sinned against a Holy God. I remember thinking Lord , why do you want to rob me of my joy? The floodgates of all my past present sins rushed into my heart and I was overcome. I felt the deep burden in my heart and I cried out repenting to God, trembling because a sinner like me is unworthy to be in His presence. I’m a failure. Lord I sinned against you, yet you still would die for me. The Gospel changed my life. The Fear of the Lord was magnified but His love alike. I’m still weak and fall short but God has been taking care of me and guiding me, to grow in the fear of Him, to grow in repentance, and to know and love Him deeper. The biggest testimony isn't that I’m saved but that now I get to proclaim Christ’s crucified and Christ resurrected. To Glorify the Father.