Jin Lee
It’s still crazy to me to think that every breath I once used to breathe apart from Christ was an abomination against the Holy God, but because of Christ and His righteousness alone, this breath is now used to glorify the King. My life apart from Christ was a deceiving one. I grew up in church, served occasionally, was generally “nice” and reserved, led bible studies, and appeared to be a typical “Christian.”
But, I was wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked (Rev 3:17). Born in utter sin, how could I know this Holy and Living God that is Spirit and Truth? With a dead heart, there was no truth, no fruit, nor life in me for I was founded upon lies, deception, and evil. My prayers were void for I was god over my life. My so-called-good works were evil in the sight of God for I did not abide in Him.
My dedication for church was out of my own self-righteousness and became duty rather than worship.
Things turned upside down when Covid-19 hit, which I realize was God's great grace in stripping away all the worldly activities in my life, and exposing the true nature of my heart that was completely depraved. My addictions, indulgences, and desires ruled over me; for the first time, I realized what it meant that I was a slave to sin. Spiritually, mentally, and physically, I was in a really dangerous state. One day, I remember weeping next to the toilet feeling so helpless and powerless. At that point, I knew I was good as dead.
Amidst all of this, God had his own divine plan. By God’s sovereignty, I was invited to a small gathering of worship with some brothers and sisters from different parts of Texas and Virginia.
Unknowingly and half-heartedly I joined, so I did not know what I was getting myself into. Day and night, the Word was preached, and there was true worship. Although I was spiritually blind and dead, I can recall a mighty, powerful presence that put us all to tremble. God led us verse by verse and prayer by prayer, and God revealed His Glory. When this word, ‘Holy’, was revealed to me and was found attributed to God alone, I was in utter fear of who He is and who I was as a sinner before the Holy King. He opened my mind to see sin the way He sees sin, and it was abhorrent. I was so scared because a sinner can not dare draw near to God, for one would die by even a glimpse of Him. But by his great mercy, the gospel message of Christ came to me. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins (Romans 3:23-25)”.
I thought I knew God. I thought I believed that Jesus is my Savior and Lord. But, I did not, and I could not until God gifted me his grace and opened my eyes to see His beloved Son on the cross. I can now only depend on His grace to know Him, fear Him, and love Him for the rest of my life and forevermore so that Christ may be full in me. However, God’s Kingdom doesn’t end here for it was never about saving Jin.